Beating Bullies

Professor Matt Sanders

If your child is the victim of a school bully, you are far from alone. One in six children are bullied at least once a week, and recent research suggests about a third of victims rarely consider school a safe haven.

It’s no wonder, when you consider the potentially traumatic nature and effects of bullying.

Teasing, threats, verbal abuse, harassment, exclusion from play, pushing, pinching, tripping and extortion can all lead to a significant loss of self-esteem. Children may become anxious and shy around other children, feel sick, suffer stomach pains, nightmares and sleep problems, or refuse to go to school.

As parents we naturally want our child protected from such an experience and it is our responsibility to do something about it. Bullying should never be ignored or left to be sorted out by the young victims themselves.
However it is often difficult to know exactly what to do when you discover your child is being bullied. Do you contact the bully’s parents when your child fears that this tactic will only result in more bullying for being a “dobber”?

This issue is a very real difficulty for children as well — one in five children don’t tell anyone they are being bullied.

If you suspect your child is being bullied, or if they tell you outright, try to remain calm and not overreact. It is important that children feel they can talk to their parents about the problem without mum or dad immediately threatening to march up to the school demanding answers, “or else…”.

And make sure you don’t also immediately assume that it is all the bully’s fault. Your child may have teased or provoked the bully.

It’s best to start by listening to your child’s description of how the bullying occurs, asking them specific questions so that you can clearly understand what happens — what the bully does, what your child does, how they feel about it, what they have tried to do about it so far. Any strategy you adopt to tackle the bully will be more effective if you enlist your child’s aid when working it out.

If the bullying is occurring at school you should also talk with your child’s teacher. Many schools now have anti-bullying programs in place. These programs ensure all children understand bullying is not acceptable and help them learn coping strategies such as assertiveness, problem solving and basic social communication.

To help your own child deal effectively with a bully, encourage them to figure out reasons as to why it might be happening. Children will be more likely to try a new way of handling a problem if they understand why that problem is still occurring. For example, you might tell your child: “It sounds as if when they tease you they are getting attention from the other kids, so maybe they do this to show everyone else how tough they are.”

You and your child can then decide on a number of strategies for dealing with the bully such as: ignoring and walking away as soon as it occurs; making friends with other children and playing with them during lunch breaks; or being assertive. If necessary, practise these strategies with your child by acting out the roles so that they become confident with their behaviour.

Parenting Tip: Teaching your child to fight back when they are being physically bullied isn’t helpful as it can lead to more bullying. Children who are being bullied may not be as physically strong as their tormentor so their fear of losing a fight can be quite real. That doesn’t mean however that you don’t encourage your child to be assertive and self-confident in the face of teasing.

Professor Matt Sanders is founder of the Triple P – Positive Parenting Program. Contact Elizabeth Kunz at Kinder Institute, 407-898-7798, or Elizabeth.kunz@thekinderinstitute.com or visit the web at www.triplep.net.

Driving You Crazy
Professor Matt Sanders

School holidays are a great opportunity for families to spend time together, especially when you all head off in the car to your favourite vacation spot. A touch optimistic you say? Of course a family car trip is supposed to be fun, but it can be spoiled when children start to whine, complain, fight or tease each other in the back seat.

Young children often find car trips boring, particularly if they have nothing to do. It may seem to them that time is passing so slowly that the trip will never end. And when the words “Are we there yet?”, begin to ring ever frequently in your own ears you may also begin to wonder if you have entered some hellish time-warp.

And it’s not just the stress on the driver that makes it undesirable for children to misbehave in the car. It can easily become dangerous, especially if you are distracted from driving while attempting to sort out a noisy argument between your children. Some young children may also object to wearing their seat belt in the car — a situation which cannot be ignored.

So if you are heading off these holidays, plan ahead of time how you’re going to deal with any problem behaviour. Explain to your children the need to be responsible in the car because of safety concerns. Tell them about the car trip, how long it will take, and where you are going. Decide on two or three simple rules such as “use a quiet voice”, and “keep your hands and feet to yourself”. Ask your child to repeat back to you these rules so that you both know what is expected. And remember to set a good example by wearing your own seat belt.

Before you set off, start your child in an activity. As you drive, talk to them and ask them questions. Point out things of interest along the way and regularly introduce new toys or activities to keep them interested. Try playing some audio tapes of children’s songs or stories, or play that old favourite, “I spy”.

For long car trips, make sure you include regular rest breaks to give your child a chance to get out, run around, and go to the toilet. Offer them a snack when they have been behaving well and help them to get started on a new activity if you notice them losing interest in what they are doing.

Remember if you’re packing a little kit bag of activities to amuse your child in the car to include soft toys and paperback books — things that won’t become harmful missiles in the event of a sudden stop or accident.

For younger children, learning how to behave in the car is a skill you need to teach them just like learning to dress themselves. A series of short five-minute trips around quiet streets at times when you are not in a hurry is a good way to introduce your child to the car. Remember
to praise good behaviour often, particularly in the early stages.

With older children be prepared to stop the car if your children are misbehaving, wait until peace is restored, and then continue the journey. Sometimes it is not possible to deal with problem behaviour in the car right away, especially if you are driving in hazardous conditions. In these cases, if your child is crying or being noisy but is still safely secured in their seat it is best to ignore the behaviour.

Parenting Tip: No matter how hard your preschooler might try to be good while travelling in the car, if their regular routine is disrupted it can be a hard ask for them. Try to plan your trips to avoid your young child’s usual sleep or meal times as a hungry or tired child is likely to become irritable.

Professor Matt Sanders is founder of the Triple P – Positive Parenting Program. Contact Elizabeth Kunz at Kinder Institute, 407-898-7798 or elizabeth.kunz@thekinderinstitute.com or visit the web at www.triplep.net.

Top 10 Tips for Travelling in the Car

Professor Matt Sanders

If you’re packing up the car and the family and heading off for some holiday fun, you might appreciate a few tried and tested tips to make the journey more pleasant for everyone.
Tip No 1: The key is planning ahead. Explain to your children the need to be responsible in the car because of safety concerns. Accidents can occur when a parent is distracted by whining, teasing, fighting or complaining.
Tip No 2: Tell them about the car trip, how long it will take, and where you’re going.
Tip No 3: Decide on two or three simple rules such as “use a quiet voice”, and “keep your hands and feet to yourself”. Ask your child to repeat the rules so everyone knows what’s expected.
Tip No 4: Before you set off, start your child in an activity. As you drive, talk to them and ask them questions. Point out things of interest and regularly introduce new toys or activities to keep them interested.
Tip No 5: Play audio tapes of children’s songs or stories, and don’t forget old favourites like “I spy”.
Tip No 6: For longer car trips, plan regular rest breaks so the kids can have a run around.
Tip No 7: Offer them snacks when they’re behaving well and get them started on a new activity if you notice them losing interest.
Tip No 8: If you’re packing a bag of activities include soft toys and paperback books that won’t become missiles in the event of a sudden stop or accident.
Tip No 9: For younger children, learning how to behave in the car is a skill you need to teach them just like learning to dress themselves. Five-minute trips around quiet streets when you’re not in a hurry is a good way to introduce your child to the car. Remember to praise good behaviour often, particularly in the early stages.
Tip No 10: With older children be prepared to stop the car if they’re misbehaving, wait until peace is restored, then continue the journey. Sometimes it’s not possible to immediately deal with problem behaviour, especially if you’re driving in hazardous conditions. In these cases, if your child is crying or being noisy but is still safely secured in their seat, it’s best to ignore the behaviour.
Parenting Tip: Plan your trips to avoid young children’s sleep or meal times as hungry or tired children are likely to become irritable.

Professor Matt Sanders is founder of the Triple P – Positive Parenting Program. Contact Elizabeth Kunz at Kinder Institute (407-898-7798 or elizabeth.kunz@thekinderinstitute.com) or visit the web at www.triplep.net.

Parent Traps

Professor Matt Sanders

Do you frequently feel exasperated, ashamed, or embarrassed by your child’s behaviour? Do you find that your child often irritates you? Do you have to threaten and shout to get your child to cooperate? Do you frequently argue with your partner about how to handle your child’s behaviour?

If the answer to some of these questions is yes, you might be caught in a parent trap.

The criticism trap involves becoming locked in frequent power struggles with your child and reacting to misbehaviour with escalating criticism (“Robert, you’re always making a mess”), threats (“If you do that one more time you’re in big trouble”), yelling and finally hitting. This type of discipline often backfires, with the parent’s rapidly building anger leading to resentment and further hostility.

The leave them alone trap involves the parent ignoring their child when they’re behaving well. If good behaviour is taken for granted and not actively encouraged it will occur less often and is likely to be replaced with the misbehaviour that receives so much attention.  Praise and reward behaviours you like and they will occur more frequently.

The for the sake of the children trap occurs when parents in unhappy marriages stick doggedly to the same marriage routines (for the sake of the children) rather than learning new ways to resolve their problems. Research shows that children who live in families where there is a lot of parent conflict develop more emotional and behavioural problems than those raised in stable families, regardless of whether that stable family is one- or two-parent.

The perfect parent trap is a need to be perfect rather than competent. There is no such thing as the perfect parent and aspiring to become one will lead to disappointment, resentment, guilt, and feelings of inadequacy. Parenting has elements of both a learned skill and an ongoing loving relationship between individuals.

The martyr trap is where parents become so over-involved in parenting they neglect their own needs for intimacy, companionship, recreation, privacy and fun. In these cases a parent’s relationship with their partner suffers and they may end up feeling dissatisfied and resentful. Quality parenting takes place when adults have their own lives in balance.

Professor Matt Sanders is founder of the Triple P – Positive Parenting Program.  Contact Elizabeth Kunz at Kinder Institute, 407-898-7798 or elizabeth.kunz@thekinderinstitute.com  or visit the web at www.triplep.net for more information.

THE POWER OF POSITIVE PARENTING

 Professor Matt Sanders

 The one thing you can rely on about being a parent is that your child’s behaviour will sometimes frustrate you. This doesn’t mean you are a bad parent, and it doesn’t mean that your child is uncontrollable.

Even the happiest of family households can suffer tension and stress when dealing with children’s behaviour. Parents may feel upset and drained if they find themselves having to ‘battle’ with their child over such everyday issues as mealtimes, shopping, or bedtime.

Since you love and care for your children, you will try your best to deal with such difficult behaviour. However it’s unreasonable to think that you can be a perfect parent — we just aren’t built like superman or superwoman.

When you think about it though, it’s not too surprising that being a parent can be tough. Raising the next generation is a vitally important task requiring effort and patience, yet most of us begin our parenting careers unprepared for what lies ahead. More often than not we learn how to raise our children through trial and error. And no matter how much experience we gain, our children (and indeed the everyday experiences of life itself) always seem to be able to come up with something new for us to deal with.

So how do we know if we are bringing up our kids well, and how do we go about reducing the stresses that occur when we find ourselves struggling with behaviours we just can’t seem to get a handle on?

As a parent and psychologist who has spent over 20 years researching why children behave the way they do, I believe there is simply no single right way to be a parent. It is up to you to decide what values, skills and behaviours you want to encourage in your child and to develop your own approach to dealing with your child’s behaviour.

That said, we all know that good advice at the right time can be a big help. Practical tips on why your baby cries, dealing with temper tantrums, helping your toddler learn to eat by themselves, or helping your primary schooler with their homework can make being a parent less stressful and at the same time more enjoyable.

That’s the idea behind the Positive Parenting Program (‘Triple P’ for short) which we have developed at the University of Queensland. The program is based on extensive scientific research and offers parenting suggestions and ideas that have proven effective across a wide cross-section of Australian families.

It’s called positive parenting because it aims to make it easier for parents to develop a positive loving relationship with their children through encouragement, attention and good communication. Using a positive parenting approach will not only help family life run a little smoother, it will also make it less likely that your child will develop more serious behaviour problems into their adolescent years.

Every fortnight in this column I will be highlighting positive parenting approaches toward a wide variety of everyday family issues covering infants up to primary schoolers. We’ll look at how children learn to misbehave and methods of dealing with misbehaviour,  as well as practical strategies parents can use to deal with specific problems behaviours in a constructive way and to help children learn necessary social skills.

No matter what your parenting situation, I hope you will find something of interest every fortnight that you might like to use in your own family or even pass on to a friend. Even if a particular topic doesn’t apply to you now it might be a good idea to cut out the column and keep it for future use. Since the issues we will be covering are ones that most parents have to deal with at some time or another, it might just come in handy.

Parenting Tip: One way that parents can find more patience and time for their child is to make sure they also find time for themselves. Taking care of your own needs for intimacy, adult companionship, recreation and time alone will help make parenting easier. If you are spending plenty of quality time with your child and they are able to be looked after in a safe environment, a break away once in while will do both you and your child a world of good.

If you are having continual difficulties in dealing with your child’s behaviour be prepared to seek professional advice.

Professor Matt Sanders is founder of the Triple P – Positive Parenting Program.  Contact Elizabeth Kunz at Kinder Institute, 407-898-7798 or  elizabeth.kunz@thekinderinstitute.com,  or visit the web at www.triplep.net for more information.